Thoughts from the Road
Welcome to my little place in the world of the uncensored mind, a seemingly safe place to start a journey of spiritual recovery from a past that I have yet to understand. It is my sincerest hope that everyone that visits would stop a moment, think, and share their life with those of us that are out here, living gay.
posted by Markus at 11:53 PM
30 Comments:
Markus, I just want to say bravo for starting a blog, and I hope you find it as rewarding as I have. I would be very interested in hearing your story. What was it like growing up gay? Have you come out to your family? I just spoke with a good friend who wishes she had believed her PFLAG counselor, who told her that time would eventually heal the terrible rift in her (unaccepting) family. Time did help. Fear has faded. (If only that were true for everyone.)
Free2, thanks for the post. I just have a few short minutes to post right now but I just wanted to give a short response and expound later. I am out to my family and they are incredibly loving and supportive; my immediate family that is. It hasn't been an easy struggle and I must say that if anything, I want to be able to help anyone that might be going through any of what I went through. I hope to somehow be able to help by sharing my experience and showing that we are out here and we are all created in the image of God.
Thank you again for your support and if you wouldn't mind, I would love to see a link on your blog over to mine and I will do the same. I hope to eventually put words to my whole experience and somehow, some way, gain a better understanding of who I am in that way.
Hi Markus,
You and any other gay Laestadians have my support:) Growing up gay in a Laestadian family must present some challenges, and I'd also be interested in hearing your story.
I second Free's "bravo!" I'm encouraged to hear that your immediate family now accepts you as you are.
I have a couple of relatives who came out in recent years, and they have not had that acceptance. Until I heard your story I tended to think that such acceptance was impossible within Laestadian circles.
Markus:
I'm an IALC member (Independent or Pollari) and I've had at least one friend come out as gay. I know of at least 6 others who have as well. I think its been hard for them, and I miss them. I have a relative whose brother is gay and he remains extremely close to his family, even taking vacations with them. Recently at a family wedding he was the immaculate church decorator and was appreciated at this post, from what I hear. They don't really talk about him being gay but its clear they've maintained a close supportive relationship with him. I know of at least one other gay man who has a partner and he and his partner are very included in all their family events. That family is more open about acknowledging his sexuality. His niece told me that his family, though they have mixed feelings about his orientation, are still glad he has a supportive life partner and he does not have to be alone. I confess I don't have a developed sense of knowing what it would like to be gay or how it would be for me or my family, if, for example, one of my nieces or nephews were gay. Or how I would reconcile it with my own personal set of beliefs, either. I hope I would be a loving presence in their life. I've had several gay colleagues and classmates, and though I cannot quite generalize them, I've found them to be honest and caring people, more so than most. I sympathize with their struggle, and know how it feels to be an outsider, as I often feel I don't belong anywhere myself. Good luck to you, honey.
You gotta post about your experiences.
Markus, in the Lutheran (ELCA) church I currently attend (and the Espiscopalian church I occasionally attend), there are many openly gay parishioners and no doubt many more who are not open about it. I hope you find a church where you are supported and loved for who you are. While your parents' church may eventually evolve, and there is a case to be made for staying in it and pushing for that change, I think it is not likely in your lifetime . . . and by staying you will miss out on so much love and fellowship. Just my two cents.
Hei Markus,
Thanks for starting this site!
A gal from Finland
Markus,
You can be nothing less than a perfect expression of God! I am so impressed you found the courage to be you in such a environment.
I grew up in the FALC in the Copper Country and know from experience how stifling it can be.
Go forth and spread your joy and light in the world.
I believe in you always.
Found in Texas
To lust after another man is a sin
To lust after anything is a sin. My love toward another human, whether male or female is the truest expression of what my Lord has taught me.
faith cometh by hearing the word of god. so what is your faith based on?
My faith is based on the living word of God and the Holy Spirit's direction of my conscience. I need only to justify to my Lord on judgement day.
It has been brought to light to me that the listing of links on my blog somehow have been felt to endorse eachother, my thoughts, the thoughts of those posting, or in some way the overall discussion happening here. The links are just resources that I have looked at over the course of my young adulthood and thought they might be of interest to anyone participating in this conversation. I am trying to facilitate a healthy conversation and thought that it would be interesting to bring people together who understand the environment that I consider my faith.
I hope that anyone participating would feel free to identify themselves and to be respectful of all who post here.
I sincerely appreciate the posting and you have brought up some very good points. I do want to awknowledge a couple things. I am not at this point talking about sex or relations with anyone. I am just making the point that I am gay, and that this is what life is for me. I appreciate the support and kind words and would encourage more thoughtful discussion like this.
What do you define as a gay lifestyle? I have had some conversations with my dad about this and it seems everyone has somewhat a different perception of this.
Thanks Hannah. It's nice to see people who I know and that take an initiative to say hi.
I am still a little confused as to where I said anything about sex or marriage. I haven't eluded to any of that. I am not wishing to discuss any of that here as it does not pertain to us. What I would like to talk about is what it means to know about who I am and how that fits into living in faith. Is it wrong to acknowledge that this exists and that it is something I live with?
I have a hard time understanding why everyone jumps to the conclusion that I am out having sex and carrying on homosexual relations just because I acknowledge that I am a gay man.
I do have a renter here, yes. No, I am in no way engaged in any sort of relationship, sexual activities, or other rumors you may have heard. We are hardly even friends.
While I feel it is wrong to have to justify this publicly because of the rampant tongue of the devil working to spread unfounded rumors, I have a renter to pay the bills.
Oulu,
Thank you for the kind words. While it may look like effortless grace, it is extremely hard to be attacked through one's whole life for something that can not be changed.
I have prayed and tried so hard to find a way to change. It is hell. To tell you the truth, I finally accepted that this is God's will for me when I was sent to Finland after I had given up my faith and was about to commit suicide when I was 17. One night at Suvi's, I was in the tent with the youth singing and found peace with who I am and that it has been preordained by God for me. It was a miserable night but a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I am here for some form of healing and understanding from my growing years when I didn't know what to think of myself and all that I heard from the world around me was that I was sick, twisted, an abomination, and so on.
This is not a choice. This is my journey and I have to live it.
The lyrics are indeed from a song sung by Josh Groban, a classical vocalist who I was introduced to at "older haps" one Sunday afternoon.
Regarding reading the bible. I do. I read it quite frequently and research parts in Stong's Concordance and all over. I look up other translations including the one used by the state church of Finland and SRK and modern translations of the Greek and Hebrew. I find it really rewarding.
Sorry for not responding yet as I have to put some thought in to how to respond. Words don't come easily to me, as most who know me would admit. I too easily say the wrong thing and often offend someone. I will respond once thought through.
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Thanks for the comments. According to dictionary.com, "Gay is distinguished from homosexual primarily by the emphasis it places on the cultural and social aspects of homosexuality as opposed to sexual practice." The reason I make mention of it is because of the mental and emotional anxiety that I have had to deal with most of my life trying to hide that side of me. I don't go around saying, "Hi, my name is Markus and I am gay!" The reason it is mentioned here is because it is vital to the point of the discussion that I had hoped to have.
The spiritual healing that I am dealing with has to do with the years that hit me the hardest, my adolescent years. I was in severe depression and became extremely cynical about what the church was and what it meant to me to be a believer. I am not seeking healing from wrongs by the church, I am seeking healing from wrongs that I committed on myself.
I have heard over and over from people that being gay isn't wrong, acting on lustfulness is. That being said, and if all that is true, why then when I want to have a discussion about it does it become wrong?
Part of my hope with starting this discussion was to allow myself and other people time to post well thought out comments; to have time to research things that you wouldn't necessarily be able to research in the context of a real-time conversation in person.
It would be my hope that not one more child of God has to deal with what I dealt with as a adolescent and young adult. If by chance someone is seeing this and has been dealing with the struggles that I went through, I hope they would see that there is love and respect, and life is a temporary stay on the way to a better life beyond this world. There is no need to take ones life. There is no need to suffer pain over this.
I can't say that this blog has been an easy thing to come home to. I check my email daily with anticipation and anxiety because I don't know what sort of mail I am going to find. I did not start this to find glory nor did I start this to be attacked. I started this because I wanted to start an open dialogue about something very real to me and something that is not going to go away.
I am not going to leave faith over this. Jesus loves his children and he loves me. I am not blameless and perchance I have offended one or two and for that I ask forgiveness. I am not here to start a mess but to help clean one up. I pray that all of you reading this could have a heart to love every single human being on this journey and show support as not a single one of us are perfect and every one of us falls.
I want to publicly acknowledge the strain that this has put on my parents and how much love they have shown me. My mother and father are the most stunning examples of dignity and grace that have been shown me. I understand my fathers concern that "we don't know the answers and we have to be careful." Pops, you are the greatest, and I love you. Please know that I am trying so hard to do the right thing and that I too, would not give up everlasting life for anything.
We are on this earth such a short time. I was taught in sunday school that no matter what we utter out of our mouth, we are judged on the condition of our heart and soul. I can't go through life in silence. I truly believe that God would not have created me, his child, like this to be left for eternal damnation. Yes, I have my struggles, but acknowledging that I am gay is not going to damn me to hell, I firmly believe that.
I have been working on some other items that I will post as soon as they are complete.
Once again, thank you for all that are here and joining in.
Thanks!
I knew that I was not conveying what I wanted to say correctly. Dad let me know that right away as we have discussed this for almost 5 years now and he understood what I was getting at but knew that I didn't convey it. I have a hard time with words and have to think a lot before I put them down for fear of backing myself into a dark corner that I didn't intend to get into.
Some of the social and cultural aspects would be that I will not be marrying. Afterall, would you want your daughter marrying someone that can not love her the same way you love your wife? Not only is that deceiptful and not fair to her, it is contrary to what was laid out for me. I have accepted that. That puts me into an entirely different social circumstance. It is not an illness. It is not a disease. It is me and I need not be shameful of it.
I'm coming into this a bit late it seems, and, will likely not check back too much as reasoning with unreasonable people just seems pointless. So, I guess my effort here would be to give the pot a good stir, hope that a bit of it would mix in some good tolerance and compasion...
I would like to comment on some things that Matt Sturos said...
"I know that homosexual acts are sin..."
Really - how do you know this? Is this in the bible? If so, read all of Leviticus and ask yourself if you have done anything that makes yourself an abomination... Had any pork lately?
Matt also went on to say: "Why continue to embrace something, even the cultural and social aspects, of something that the Bible speaks of as a sin."
Well - let's go back to that great pork chop you most likely had last night. How about sleeping with your wife in the same bed in that "time of the month"! Hmmm - wonder if we should follow everything in that book?
Maybe it's more of a "guide"??? Well, which pieces shall we follow? The whole laying with another man as you do a woman? Or, eating pork? Each can get you a disease. Maybe the "good book" is just that - a set of good practices to regulate an delicate economic, health, social, and law system of the time. Seems to me that most countries and other law forming bodies change their laws with the times rather than stick with something that no longer has literal relevance in today's world. If so - why aren't we driving 65 mph by day and 55 mph by night on roads here in Minnesota - seemed to work back in the 60s when my parents were learning to drive...
Matt goes on to say: "Why would a believer want to continue to identify themselves to everyone around them as embracing the culture and social aspects of a sinful lifestyle."
Lifestyle - what a fun word. We can even say other fun things like Homosexual "tendencies". We can even then entertain things like "cures" for this homosexual disease.
Well - being a gay man myself - let me tell you that it's not a tendency this love I have for my partner. It's love - just like any other person's love. It's not a sin anymore than any other sin according to most religions - most hold that all sins are equal.
So - why should some be held to a higher standard for a sin that is just as equal as any other sin in this "good" book? The answer - lack of tolerance and compassion. And - what does ever good priest, pastor, or other religious official preach each holy day? You need to practice tollerance and compassion. They don't qualify it - by saying "tolerate but don't accept". Let's just all grow up here a bit and get back to a civilized world. Markus - keep on going. Keep the link you have to any old thing you want. It's your blog. It's your opinion. It's your life. It's your beliefs. It's your right to have an opinion and share it with anyone who will listen. Regretably, everyone else get's those rights as well and can tell you that you're an evil sinner. The good question to ask yourself is - what do you believe?
No, I am not going to attack you or tear your thoughts to shreds though I will attempt to paint you another picture.
I have said before and I will say again, I am not good with words and I, being quick to respond to critisism, often offend. I am not here to justify sins or my life to anyone. I am here trying to open dialogue.
Imagine for a moment if you will, the view from my computer screen, looking at this blog with your own face on it. Aside from Hannah Jurmu and Matt Sturos, every single other person, no matter what they had to say, has hidden from you, shrouded themsleves behind a name that is anonymous. What would you think? What would you say?
Many times I don't know what to say so I say nothing. Often I think that soon, someone will have a good response as they are much better with words than I.
A thought occured to me today while I was working because I haven't looked at this blog so much recently. I think I have tired from hosting this because I am tired of hearing why I am going to hell rather than why I am loved. I, like anyone else that is believing or not, have my shortcomings daily. I have to ask for forgiveness endlessly. Why do I have to come here and find hate in a venue that was supposed to be a constructive conversation on how I am going through life, dealing with this what is me.
I once had a conversation with another person in faith who had a close relative kill themselves because they could no longer deal with life as a homosexual believer. It is not funny. It is not a joke. We are here and repenting of every sin in the world is not going to change our situation. We are still the same person with the same body and we are going to have to deal with it until our dying day. I am not going to take my own life over it and I hope and pray that all those that have come on here to hate anyone for anything they have said would step forward and make things right.
Markus,
I am one of your close friend's brother and after hearing about your site I had to show you some support. It's taken me about 10 years to truly start to come to grips with leaving the laestadian church. It's a horribly tough journey but I'm starting to realize that one can be spiritual or religious in a faith outside of the laestadian church. As for being gay... For a long time I have believed that there are few people that are either completely gay or straight, most people are somewhere in-between. I have come to accept that I am somewhere in-between and that was a huge leap for my formerly homophobic laestadian self. The best of luck to you and remember that there are caring, spiritual and loving people in this world. Go to sleep tonight knowing that you are in my prayers.
P.S. I have to admit that you're definitely hot! If it came between you and Enrique Iglesias you would lose, but you're still a hottie! ;)
Markus!! I just wanted to say a few things after reading this whole blog. Each of us as believers have temptations and trials but because God allowed his son to die on the cross for our sins, we can preach and recieve that gospel and all sins will then be washed away. God didnt sit there and say hey I want Markus to be gay, but that is your trial and your temptation and you have to battle against it and continue to strive in faith, asking for that gospel when you fall again and again. The internet is not a good place to talk about such a special matter as faith and I feel that if you have more questions that come to church there we can discuss openly and maybe some questions can be answered. I pray that you wouldnt stray from the narrow path but keep fighting the devil and asking for forgiveness when you fall! Thinking of You! Much love
Markus, I think that you are brave and Courageous. Reading some of these responses, I can only think of the Scribes and Pharases denounced by Christ. Christ was a loving man who was an advocate for outcast and down trodden. It is common for the self righteous to look for weaknesses in others and focus on the sins of others because it takes the light away from their pride and self obsorption. Jesus loves you the way you are and just like you are. I wish you the best in your Journey.
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