Imagine

I can only imagine what it will be like, when I walk by Your side...
I can only imagine, what my eyes will see, when Your Face is before me!
I can only imagine. I can only imagine.

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine! I can only imagine!

I can only imagine, when that day comes, when I find myself standing in the Sun!
I can only imagine, when all I will do, is forever, forever worship You!
I can only imagine! I can only imagine!

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine! Yeah! I can only imagine!

How Blest Are They Who Hear God's Word

How blest are they who hear God's Word
And keep and heed what they have heard!
They wisdom daily gather;
Their light shines brighter day by day,
And while they tread life's weary way,
They have the oil of gladness
To soothe their pain and sadness.

God's Word a treasure is to me,
Through sorrow's night my sun shall be,
The shield of faith in battle.
The Father's hand hath written there
My title as His child and heir,
"The kingdom's thine forever."
That promise faileth never.

Today I was my Savior's guest,
My soul was here so richly blest,
The Bread of Life receiving.
Oh, may thereby my faith prevail,
So that its fruits shall never fail
Till my account is given
Before the throne in heaven!

by Johan N. Brun, 1745-1816
Translated by Oluf H. Smeby, 1851-1929

Absence of Fear

Inside my skin
There is this space
It twists and turns
It bleeds and aches
Inside my heart
There's an empty room
It's waiting for lightning
It's waiting for you

I am wanting and
I am needing you
To be here
Inside the absence
Of fear

Muscle and sinew
Velvet and stone
This vessel is haunted
It creaks and moans
My bones call to you
In a separate skin
I'll make myself translucent
To let you in

I am wanting and
I am needing you
To be here
Inside the absence
Of fear

There is the splendor of this
Secret inside of me
And it knows that you're no stranger
You're my gravity
My hands will adore you through all darkness
And they will lay you out in moonlight
And reinvent your name

I am wanting and
I am needing you
To be here
I need you near
Inside the absence
Of fear -J.K.

Darkness

Moments in one's life can definitely bring on anguish. I found this poem and I could totally relate to it. I was not at a good place in my life when I was 16 and my parents sent me to Finland for a change of scenery and pace. I really came into my own there and life made more sense. I accepted what God had created in me. Please, if you know anyone that is struggling, reach out to them and love them.

A young mans shadow darkens
As he walks into the night.
A moonlit path before him
He thinks about his life.
His parents cry and wonder
His friends just turn away.
Was life really worth living
Could he go on this way?
In search of a distant answer
He wiped away the tears.
He took the gun into his hand
No longer would he fear.
What could have been his crime
For which he paid so dear?
He was just a man, who loved a man
who hated the word, Queer!

The Wet Paper Bag

I tried in vain
Fighting my way out
Of the wet paper bag
Futily,
I pushed
And prodded
I snooped
For the answer
For Truth
But the solution evaded me
When something is not Right
Why do we hesitate to look to the Left
Hesitance
Lasts so, so long
It should be simple
Accepting misjudgment
Fighting
My way out
Of a wet paper bag
I am reasonable
But there is no reason
In this
No sense
So perhaps
Fighting
Is non-sense
When it comes
To wet paper bags
It is what it is
A lie
And the simplest solution
Is not always so simple
But it is what must be.
It is what it is
A paper bag
Over my head.

- A.P. Jr. 2007

Reality? Really?

“When those who have the power to name and socially construct reality and choose not to see you or hear you, whether you are dark skinned, old, disabled, female, or speak with a different accent or dialect than theirs, when someone with the authority of a teacher, say, describes the world and you are not in it, there is a moment of psychic disequilibrium, as if you looked in a mirror and saw nothing. Yet you know you exist and others like you, that it is a game with mirrors. It takes some strength of soul – and not just individual strength, but collective understanding – to resist this void, this non-being, into which you are thrust, and to stand up, demanding to be seen and heard, and to make yourself visible, to claim that your experience is just as real and normative as any other.” - Rich (1986)

Calls to Take This Blog Down

Over the course of my writings on this blog, I have recieved calls from people to remove it from the net. Reasons have ranged from people thinking that I shouldn't be airing my dirty laundry to some people feeling that I am saying somehow the Laestadian following is accepting of a gay lifestyle by me being open about it.

I want to make one thing very clear here. I am not in any way insinuating that the Laestadian faith is affirming or accepting of homosexuality. It is very clearly not. Thus my experience. I have grown up in an environment that I, myself, could not understand my own person, let alone any other person understanding what I am going through. I don't expect anyone to because it has been hard enough for me do deal with.

The reason I started this blog in the first place was to start putting out there, for all to see, what my mind is dealing with. In doing that, I was hoping to reach out to others in a similar situation or place in life to compare notes, struggles, joys, etc. I have nothing to hide and so I figured that while these conversations were to be had, they could also be out there for the world to see and comment on. I don't feel that I am harming anyone by doing this. It can only be a good thing. The links I have on my blog are there as resources for people to consider in their understanding of the context of the conversation that is happening. They are not there to promote any individual or organization.

Lastly, I have been forced to consider a lot about life, and ultimately the lack thereof with my cancer diagnosis. It is my sincerest hope that people remain respectful with any conversation that happens on this blog currently and well into my passing.

CaringBridge Update

Good Wednesday Morning!

Just laying here in bed still, catching up on the days news online and thought I'd stop in for an update. While there isn't a whole lot different, it seems that this morning I am feeling better than I have for the past few. This time, the nausea and other nasty GI stuff waited until all the chemo was over to rear themselves. I got sick on Sunday night and have been trying to keep hydrated and nourished since then. I tried to put in a couple days at work but let's just say I made it through one and a half. I hope to make it back in today!

This morning I get to go in for another therapy session to deal with all my head has come to understand as my prognosis. I am not ready to give up as most of you know, and I will not give in lightly. While progress has been slow, I think we can all agree that it most certainly has been much better than any of us could have imagined or hoped for. To think that 7 mos. ago tomorrow, I went into the hospital to get the news, and to look at the quality of life that I am experiencing still today is amazing. I appreciate all your love and support. Drop me a line. I check for postings multiple times a day. Love you all and look forward to seeing you all soon...

Markus