Markus

Markus passed away the morning of May 26, 2008. For more information, visit http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/markuswuollet

Updates on Markus

Check Markus' CaringBridge site for the latest on his health. It will be the most up-to-date. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/markuswuollet

BENEFIT FOR MARKUS

You're all invited to an evening of wine tasting, a silent auction, entertainment provided by The Brass Kings, and celebration.

When: November 10 (this Saturday)
8:00pm

Venue: Clubhouse Jager
923 Washington Ave N, Mpls

The evening is a benefit for Markus, who was diagnosed with Neuroendocrine Cancer of the Pancreas just over a year ago. It has spread to his liver, kidney, lung and other areas of his abdomen. He's been in and out of the hospital many times and is hoping to receive a regimen of new treatments soon.

He has been without medical insurance most of the past year and has been unable to work for some time now. The financial strain during his time of illness has been very difficult and the medical bills have been growing incredibly.

We're asking his friends to come out to this event in support of Markus. Not only with your checkbooks, but also with your presence and friendship. This is a chance to celebrate life!

For more information, contact info@markuswuolletcancerfund.org

Markus Wuollet Cancer Fund
500 N Magnolia Lane
Plymouth, MN 55441

(make checks out to "Markus Wuollet Cancer Fund")

see also:
myspace.com/clubhousejager
myspace.com/brasskings

We need your help!

Hi everyone,

A lot of you don't know me, but I'm a close friend of Markus' and live in the same building as him. I would like to plan a benefit for Markus to help him raise the money he so desperately needs. If anyone is willing to help me out in any way with the event please contact me. I'll need help with benefit ideas, getting donations, dates, venues, etc... I convinced Markus to change the date to a Friday night or a Sunday afternoon for better attendance. Everyone is so busy on the weekends in August and September and I want to make sure we get "max" attendance.

Please help me out! I was looking at the 2nd or 3rd Friday in September for the event. I may have some venue donations and bands that are willing to donate their time. I was thinking about getting items to raffle off as well at the event.

I would like to hold a planning event within the next week. If you are interested please let me know what evenings work best for you. If you can't attend, please let me know if you can help in any way possible.

Thanks for your time.

Julie Christman
juliechristman@gmail.com
612.598.3993

Sorry...

I am sorry I fell off the face of the earth but I need a break for a bit. My illness has taken over my life and I haven't much to say at the moment. Please keep me in your prayers.

Markus

Truth Heals - Chapter One

It sounds like most people have their books now so if by the end of the week we could have the first chapter read, I will write an opening statement and then we'll discuss. Thanks!

No Big Deal

Looking from a distance, seems like I've lost it all
and everyone around me is waiting for this girl to fall
But my heart isn't missing I just lost control
If I don't know why, Why would I know how ?

I've been working with the devils trying to exorcize
My feelings I've been hiding down in the darker side
There wasn't any trading, I never sold my soul
I'm simply moving on; Going, gone...

I think I'm losing my fight
To make sense of it all
Got to build on my lie
So I'm safe from the fall
I'm subjected, expected to know what I feel
But I don't feel nothing
It's alright, no big deal

How can I expect anybody to understand
I've been sadly mistreating all of my own demands
Now all I need is freedom, not this ego-land
Wanna do no wrong I'm simply moving on
I'm going, going, gone...

I think I'm losing my fight
To make sense of it all
Got to build on my lie
So I'm safe from the fall
I'm subjected, expected to know what I feel
But I don't feel nothing
It's alright, no big deal

And after all I know, there's nothing left to say
And if it's all my fault I'll take it all
I'm moving on ; Going, going, gone...
- L.F.

Bring on the Rain

Another day has almost come and gone
Cant imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes Id like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war (cause)

Tomorrows another day
And Im thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

Its almost like the hard times circle round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but Im not dead

Tomorrows another day
And Im thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

Im not gonna let it get me down
Im not gonna cry
And Im not gonna lose any sleep tonight
- B.M.

Truth Heals

I recently heard an interview with the author of a book called Truth Heals. She spoke a lot about how the secrets in our lives ultimately destroy us physically, mentally, and emotionally. Our body's health relies on our state of mind and by hiding things, we use too much energy keeping it from the surface that it pulls much needed energy away from other parts of our functioning bodies. While I am not much of a reader, that conversation intrigued me to the point of prompting me to order the book.

The reason I share this is because I want you to order it too, read along with me, and discuss how it pertains to my situation. There are certainly particular people who I definitely want to join in the reading and conversation. Those people are, in no particular order: ept1, free2beme, alaestadian, alexandra, cvow, mnfriend, onespirit, darla, exmplsllc, faith, oalc-doubter, keranen, daisyaday, sondra, truthseeker, rebounder, she curves mobius, and garden.girl.

Also, if you can and have the courage, I would love for you to send me an email and tell me a little about yourself. If you wish to remain anonymous, I most certainly will keep it that way. I definately want to hear from sondra, daisyaday, exmplsllc, and she curves mobius as you have expressed interest in corresponding.

I will let you know when I get my book and how much to read so we can discuss certain parts at certain times. I am so excited! Let me know if you have any other suggestions!

If you need my email, it is: markus@kotidesign.com.

Love you all and I look forward to hearing from each and every one of you.

Taking Back Ground

04.05.00
by Jaylen Braiden

Taking back what is mine
my soul
my passion
my mind.
Now is to manage the damage,
sweeping aside the wreckage of the past.
Now is to boldly laugh Ha Ha!
Possessing myself at last.
Locusts have devoured
the foliage of my youth.
Now it is spring time
behold the new shoots.
Taking back what is mine
my soul
my passion
my mind.
Redeeming the time
I thought was lost.
Re-possessing myself
what ever the cost.

He Has Made All Things Well

Just because I do not have the energy tonight to write things that are on my mind, I thought I would post a beautiful hymn and poem that is often heard through worship houses around the world. Beautiful!

Also, I ask just a little prayer that I would be given the strength to continue battling cancer and everything that it has become in my life. It hasn't been an easy journey. I appreciate all your love and support.


All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful:
The Lord God made them all.

Each little flower that opens,
Each little bird that sings,
He made their glowing colors,
He made their tiny wings.

The rich man in his castle,
The poor man at his gate,
He made them, high or lowly,
And ordered their estate.

The purple headed mountains,
The river running by,
The sunset and the morning
That brightens up the sky.

The cold wind in the winter,
The pleasant summer sun,
The ripe fruits in the garden,
He made them every one.

The tall trees in the greenwood,
The meadows where we play,
The rushes by the water,
To gather every day.

He gave us eyes to see them,
And lips that we might tell
How great is God Almighty,
Who has made all things well. - C.A. 1848

Imagine

I can only imagine what it will be like, when I walk by Your side...
I can only imagine, what my eyes will see, when Your Face is before me!
I can only imagine. I can only imagine.

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine! I can only imagine!

I can only imagine, when that day comes, when I find myself standing in the Sun!
I can only imagine, when all I will do, is forever, forever worship You!
I can only imagine! I can only imagine!

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine! Yeah! I can only imagine!

How Blest Are They Who Hear God's Word

How blest are they who hear God's Word
And keep and heed what they have heard!
They wisdom daily gather;
Their light shines brighter day by day,
And while they tread life's weary way,
They have the oil of gladness
To soothe their pain and sadness.

God's Word a treasure is to me,
Through sorrow's night my sun shall be,
The shield of faith in battle.
The Father's hand hath written there
My title as His child and heir,
"The kingdom's thine forever."
That promise faileth never.

Today I was my Savior's guest,
My soul was here so richly blest,
The Bread of Life receiving.
Oh, may thereby my faith prevail,
So that its fruits shall never fail
Till my account is given
Before the throne in heaven!

by Johan N. Brun, 1745-1816
Translated by Oluf H. Smeby, 1851-1929

Absence of Fear

Inside my skin
There is this space
It twists and turns
It bleeds and aches
Inside my heart
There's an empty room
It's waiting for lightning
It's waiting for you

I am wanting and
I am needing you
To be here
Inside the absence
Of fear

Muscle and sinew
Velvet and stone
This vessel is haunted
It creaks and moans
My bones call to you
In a separate skin
I'll make myself translucent
To let you in

I am wanting and
I am needing you
To be here
Inside the absence
Of fear

There is the splendor of this
Secret inside of me
And it knows that you're no stranger
You're my gravity
My hands will adore you through all darkness
And they will lay you out in moonlight
And reinvent your name

I am wanting and
I am needing you
To be here
I need you near
Inside the absence
Of fear -J.K.

Darkness

Moments in one's life can definitely bring on anguish. I found this poem and I could totally relate to it. I was not at a good place in my life when I was 16 and my parents sent me to Finland for a change of scenery and pace. I really came into my own there and life made more sense. I accepted what God had created in me. Please, if you know anyone that is struggling, reach out to them and love them.

A young mans shadow darkens
As he walks into the night.
A moonlit path before him
He thinks about his life.
His parents cry and wonder
His friends just turn away.
Was life really worth living
Could he go on this way?
In search of a distant answer
He wiped away the tears.
He took the gun into his hand
No longer would he fear.
What could have been his crime
For which he paid so dear?
He was just a man, who loved a man
who hated the word, Queer!

The Wet Paper Bag

I tried in vain
Fighting my way out
Of the wet paper bag
Futily,
I pushed
And prodded
I snooped
For the answer
For Truth
But the solution evaded me
When something is not Right
Why do we hesitate to look to the Left
Hesitance
Lasts so, so long
It should be simple
Accepting misjudgment
Fighting
My way out
Of a wet paper bag
I am reasonable
But there is no reason
In this
No sense
So perhaps
Fighting
Is non-sense
When it comes
To wet paper bags
It is what it is
A lie
And the simplest solution
Is not always so simple
But it is what must be.
It is what it is
A paper bag
Over my head.

- A.P. Jr. 2007

Reality? Really?

“When those who have the power to name and socially construct reality and choose not to see you or hear you, whether you are dark skinned, old, disabled, female, or speak with a different accent or dialect than theirs, when someone with the authority of a teacher, say, describes the world and you are not in it, there is a moment of psychic disequilibrium, as if you looked in a mirror and saw nothing. Yet you know you exist and others like you, that it is a game with mirrors. It takes some strength of soul – and not just individual strength, but collective understanding – to resist this void, this non-being, into which you are thrust, and to stand up, demanding to be seen and heard, and to make yourself visible, to claim that your experience is just as real and normative as any other.” - Rich (1986)

Calls to Take This Blog Down

Over the course of my writings on this blog, I have recieved calls from people to remove it from the net. Reasons have ranged from people thinking that I shouldn't be airing my dirty laundry to some people feeling that I am saying somehow the Laestadian following is accepting of a gay lifestyle by me being open about it.

I want to make one thing very clear here. I am not in any way insinuating that the Laestadian faith is affirming or accepting of homosexuality. It is very clearly not. Thus my experience. I have grown up in an environment that I, myself, could not understand my own person, let alone any other person understanding what I am going through. I don't expect anyone to because it has been hard enough for me do deal with.

The reason I started this blog in the first place was to start putting out there, for all to see, what my mind is dealing with. In doing that, I was hoping to reach out to others in a similar situation or place in life to compare notes, struggles, joys, etc. I have nothing to hide and so I figured that while these conversations were to be had, they could also be out there for the world to see and comment on. I don't feel that I am harming anyone by doing this. It can only be a good thing. The links I have on my blog are there as resources for people to consider in their understanding of the context of the conversation that is happening. They are not there to promote any individual or organization.

Lastly, I have been forced to consider a lot about life, and ultimately the lack thereof with my cancer diagnosis. It is my sincerest hope that people remain respectful with any conversation that happens on this blog currently and well into my passing.

CaringBridge Update

Good Wednesday Morning!

Just laying here in bed still, catching up on the days news online and thought I'd stop in for an update. While there isn't a whole lot different, it seems that this morning I am feeling better than I have for the past few. This time, the nausea and other nasty GI stuff waited until all the chemo was over to rear themselves. I got sick on Sunday night and have been trying to keep hydrated and nourished since then. I tried to put in a couple days at work but let's just say I made it through one and a half. I hope to make it back in today!

This morning I get to go in for another therapy session to deal with all my head has come to understand as my prognosis. I am not ready to give up as most of you know, and I will not give in lightly. While progress has been slow, I think we can all agree that it most certainly has been much better than any of us could have imagined or hoped for. To think that 7 mos. ago tomorrow, I went into the hospital to get the news, and to look at the quality of life that I am experiencing still today is amazing. I appreciate all your love and support. Drop me a line. I check for postings multiple times a day. Love you all and look forward to seeing you all soon...

Markus

Chicago, my kind of town!

Today I am going to start posting a series of photographs from my last trip to the Windy city. While this won't be incredibly meaningful to this blog necessarily, it shares meaningful parts of my life, perhaps illustrating parts of me that I haven't shared with many people. Just a little glimpse into what makes me tick. I hope you enjoy and can perhaps relate to some and share stories and photos meaningful in your lives too.

The first picture I am going to post is from beneath a new sculpture to the city called Cloud Gate or as many of the passerby's call it, the Lima Bean. It is a 33 foot tall polished stainless steel structure with a 12 foot passage beneath it. Cloud Gate is British artist Anish Kapoor's first outdoor work. He wanted to create something that would allow the public to interact with their skyline and see the clouds rolling by the substantial buildings. I have captured a whole other side of it in this photograph, hoping to see the interaction one has with others in this beautiful city while still seemingly living one's own life seperate from others. I love Chicago and hopefully sometime, someday, I will actually be living there again. Keep checking back for another one of my favorites, the Water Tower Gallery. It was just two blocks outside my hotel room and I have a fun, 4:30 AM shot just as the city was starting to come back to life. Until then, Ciao!



Just for fun, I am going to post another, outside view of the sculpture to show you it's immense beauty.

Birthday Party!

Renewal

In a bulb, there is a flower,
In a seed, an apple tree.
In cocoons a hidden promise
butterflies will soon be free.
In the cold and dead of winter
there's a spring that waits to be,
unrevealed until it's season.
Something God alone can see!

-Unknown

Adler Truman Foundation for Life

As life goes one, one starts wondering what we can do in this world to make a difference. I have started my 6th round of chemo, I turn 24 this week, and work seems to still be around.

I have done a lot of thinking and that is always dangerous although this time I think it will bring about good. I am officially taking steps, with other people involved, in starting the Adler Truman Foundation for Life. With an official goal launch of late June, I hope I can get help from those out there around me that are good at sales, organization, paperwork, graphic design, web design, and other managment. If you have the slightest inclination to start this up with me, make it known. Don't be shy. I bring out the best in peoples' abilities. I love working with a group that loves what they are doing.

You may be asking what the premisis of this group is... The foundation will be set up to help an often lost group of cancer patients in their late teens to early 30s. This isn't going to be a foundation set up to pay bills and other stuff at this point but, it will be providing grants to people to help them live. Have a party celebrating their life, buy a flower arrangement, have a nice dinner. We are setting up social groups that people can join for free as a therapeutic setting to socialize with other young people in their shoes.

I really need your help. Come forward, let me know if there is anything you can help with, even if you think it's silly. Email me at markus@kotidesign.com.

Please, I plead your help!

Markus

Hello from the Windy City!

Good afternoon everyone! Just checking in because it has been way too long. I was in Chicago for a few days and feel oh, so much better. Do I ever love that city!? Someone left their heart in San Fran, mine is still in Chicago. I did a lot of the typical to-do, visited stores, museums, old friends, and made a few new ones... Mia Fran and Giordano to be exact. Mmm, the food was so good. I am thinking I want a big crew of people to join me there in May or June; gets me past a couple more treatments and hopefully in generally better health. Thanks for the emails and postings. I knew there were a few more of you out there! It is nice to hear your different experiences. Keep them coming!

Love Markus!

I will be here...

I was just made aware of these lyrics from a song from who knows where...? It really speaks to my battles with cancer and life at this moment. Check it out!

Caught in the downpour of a rain of stones
Felt like an exile in the world I had known
So I sought the shelter of my own soul and stayed inside
Words that were sharper than the winter wind
No longer had the power to pierce my skin
And they may not stop but I won`t take them in
And I won`t hide

I will be here
I will be strong
I`ll face my fears when the night is long
And still go on
I will be brave
I will be bold
Follow my faith to a higher road
And I`m not there yet
But I will be

I could choose to keep my feet upon the narrow path
And never cross the open field for that one snake in the grass
But I`d rather risk my heart than never get the chance
To find my way

I will be here
I will be strong
I`ll face my fears when the night is long
And still go on
I will be brave
I will be bold
Follow my faith to a higher road
And I`m not there yet
But I will be

I will be here
I will be strong
I`ll face my fears when the night is long
And still go on
I will be brave
I will be bold
Follow my faith to a higher road
And I`m not there yet
But I will be, yeah
I will be, oh yeah

I will be here
I will be strong
I`ll face my fears when the night is long
And still go on

It's been a few weeks...

"Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you!" - Christian D. Larson

As most of you know, I like the words of others much more than I like my own words. This struck me tonight as I was browsing a line of magnetic quotations that I am particularly fond of.

I just have a couple days left of my second round of chemo and this round hasn't been much fun. More nausea. More drugs. More yuck. The bills have also started arriving and that is no fun at all either. For those that don't know, I got hired at a new design firm the day after my diagnosis so getting insurance was no longer an option. So the total bills after one round of chemo is totaling over $40,000. All kinds of happy. So we'll see how that gets resolved. If anyone has any brilliant ideas, hit me up! I would love the wisdom. Anyway. Not much more to right tonight as it is a treatment night, influenced by meds, incredibly tired, and not really all with it.

I would love to hear more from all of you. Keep the posts coming.

God Bless you all!

Markus

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thank you to everyone who has been a tremendous support through this whole thing. I have one round of chemo down now, another scheduled for the week of December 11th. I had a rough few days as far as nausea but it seems like we may have that under control now! I hope everyone has a very peaceful and blessed holiday season!

By the way, if you plan to shop on Black Friday, show your financial support to my ultimate favorite retailer, Tar-jay Boutique. Those that know me best know that they have been a tremendous part of my support system through this and my daily pilgrimages there will continue well into the future! ;-)

Thanks agan and I love you all!
God Bless!

The latest...

As of my appointment at the University today, operating on the tumor is not an option and chemo will be starting next week.

Life is indeed bittersweet when one is reminded of mortality, especially when days are numbered so short. We never know when God is going to bring us home but I have to say, "Dear Lord, I am ready whenever you are." Life isn't easy and perhaps it is selfish to think that I might make it home, away from the struggles of this life, any sooner than anyone else reading this. If it happens, it will be a welcome invitation.

God bless everyone!

Thank you to everyone!

I have to say, from the bottom of my heart, thank you to everyone who has called, written, prayed, and otherwise remembered my family and I through this time. I am sorry to anyone who has called me, as I have not returned a single phone call. It is a bit much to deal with right now and I am relying on my family to get information out to those I know and love. As of right now, here is what I know. I have an uncommon form of neuroendocrine carcinoma with a 16cm tumor in my pancreas and a lot of smaller spots on my liver. Being an uncommon form, the treatment plan and discussion on where to go from here has varied and changed a lot but I have doctors at Methodist Hospital, the University of Minnesota, and the Mayo Clinic looking at this and together deciding on a plan of attack. I am going into a specialized CAT scan on Thursday to map out the blood vessels around the large tumor to see if they even have a chance of removing any part of it before we start chemotherapy.

Some people had requested my address so they could send cards and that is just fine. Email me at markus@kotidesign.com and I will give you my mailing address.

I will try to keep everyone updated here. If you are wanting email updates, just drop me an email at markus@kotidesign.com and I will add you to the list of people my friend Mark is updating as we get information.

Again, I sincerely want to thank everyone for their love and prayers.

Love always and God's Blessings!

Markus

What Cancer Cannot Do...

Cancer is so limited---
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit. -Unknown

What a week...

I suppose most people don't think of what they might do the when they get diagnosed with cancer... I guess I didn't think it would ever happen. Well, it did. Today. They don't know what kind it is or what the prognosis is. They just know there is a tumor in me about the size of a mango. I will try keep you posted here as I have the computer in the hospital with me. Keep me in your prayers.

Markus

You are Loved

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When you're heart's heavy
I, I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Cuz you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I, I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I, I'll be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I, I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved
You are loved

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world

Don't give up
Everyone needs to be heard
You are loved - J.G. 2006

Not in Our Town

When the Klan came to Montana, they made no grand parade.
No hooded knights on horseback, no banners boldly raised.
Spray paint and bomb threats, a voice on the telephone line:
"Kill the niggers, kill the homos, Jew bitch die."

Five-year-old Isaac woke screaming in the gloom.
"Mommy, there's a man at my window, looking into my room."
"Son, there's nothing out there but the shadows branches make."
The little boy went back to sleep, his parents lay awake.

For Isaac's bedroom window showed their faith for all to see
The candles of the menorah stood for hope and memory.
The next night, out of the darkness, a cinder block was hurled.
It shattered Isaac's window, and the boundaries of his world.

One moment of conviction, one voice quiet and clear,
One act of compassion, it all begins here.
No safety now in silence, we've got to stand our ground.
No hate. No violence. Not in our town.

The cop was not unfriendly. He said, "Ma'am, if I were you,
I'd take down that menorah, the Star of David, too."
Isaac's mother Tammy said, "I'm sure that's good advice.
But how then could I ever look my children in the eye?"

Then at their doorway a little girl did stand
A gift for her schoolmate in her outstretched hand.
A menorah drawn in crayon, from a Gentile to a Jew
It read, "To Isaac, From Rebecca, I'm sorry this happened to you."

One moment of conviction, one voice quiet and clear,
One act of compassion, it all begins here.
No safety now in silence, we've got to stand our ground.
No hate. No violence. Not in our town.

Have you seen the paper? Did you hear the news?
What kind of people are we? We thought we knew.
Can children primed in prejudice in peace together dwell?
If we look out through this shattered glass, do we see ourselves?

Margaret McDonald called her pastor on the phone.
"This time the Jews will not face their foes alone.
We'll make paper menorahs, display them from our homes.
We'll show the bigots there are more of us than they have stones."

Volunteers printed up menorahs by the score.
Children in their Sunday schools colored hundreds more.
Grocers and dry cleaners gave out the design, singing:
What's a little broken glass when freedom's on the line?

Now in the town of Billings live not 100 Jews,
But menorahs now were everywhere, on every avenue.
Thousands upon thousands, in windows rich and poor.
When a neighbor stands in danger, we will not close our door.

Through the drifting snow, Tammy drove her children round
To see all the menorahs in the windows of the town.
"Are all those people Jewish?" asked Isaac as they went.
"No," his mother answered, "they are your friends."

One moment of conviction, one voice quiet and clear,
One act of compassion, it all begins here.
No safety now in silence, we've got to stand our ground.
No hate. No violence. Not in our town. - F.S. 1994

Something to Think About

"I really used to think I was going to reach my goal
I really used to think I was going to be that person that I'd always wanted to be
I really used to think I'd be me no matter what
I really used to think that when I fell in love I'd live happily ever after...
But lifes not like that and life is certainly not going to change for me.
I guess I just always thought that I'd be ok, that I'd always be loved and no-one would ever try to change me and that no-one would ever make me cry.
But again lifes not like that.
I find it a struggle just to get myself to sleep at night and waking up in the morning is twice as bad.
Some mornings I lie there and just wish that I hadn't woken up because I know that today is going to be just like the one before...
A struggle, a constant struggle because no matter how much I want to be strong and not cry I just do anyway.
I really used to believe that nothing would remove that smile from my face, that giggle in my voice, that warm feeling in my heart and that sparkle in my eye.
But I was wrong and the sad thing is... I can't change it and I can't stop it.
But... do you know whats worse? Given up, I now accept crying and breaking down and being confused as a part of life... a part of MY life...." - S.M. 2005

Let every man abide in the same calling wherein he was called.

But as God hath distributed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk. And so ordain I in all churches. Is any man called being circumcised? let him not become uncircumcised. Is any called in uncircumcision? let him not be circumcised. Circumcision is nothing, and uncircumcision is nothing, but the keeping of the commandments of God. Let every man abide in the same calling wherein he was called. Art thou called being a servant? care not for it: but if thou mayest be made free, use it rather. For he that is called in the Lord, being a servant, is the Lord's freeman: likewise also he that is called, being free, is Christ's servant. Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men. Brethren, let every man, wherein he is called, therein abide with God. - 1 Cor. 7:17-24 KJV

Love

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up; doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth." 1 Cor 13:4-7 21st Century KJV

"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag. It is not proud. It is not rude. It does not look out for its own interests. It does not easily become angry. It does not keep track of other people's wrongs. Love is not happy with evil. But it is full of joy when the truth is spoken. It always protects. It always trusts. It always hopes. It never gives up. Love never fails." 1 Cor 13:4-7 NIRV

Sobering Words

"If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us."
- H.H.

Forgiveness and Love in our Time of Grace

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” - C.P.

This quote struck me today when I came across it. It reminds me of many conversations that I have had with one of my dear cousins in Finland and how only through forgiveness, you can release those chains that bind our minds to those thoughts of ill will toward other mankind.

Thoughts from the Road

Welcome to my little place in the world of the uncensored mind, a seemingly safe place to start a journey of spiritual recovery from a past that I have yet to understand. It is my sincerest hope that everyone that visits would stop a moment, think, and share their life with those of us that are out here, living gay.